A Life Long Problem

As I hoped, last week I finished the first round editing of an incomplete manuscript. After a busy, social weekend, I began again yesterday to work on my story and spent several hours making corrections. In between I went to Yoga class, and spent the afternoon with Frances at the beach alternately walking and reading and laughing out loud at the antics of pelicans, blue herons and cranes. I've been catching myself with a large grin on my face when I'm around the ocean and her creatures.

Frances and I have taken to walking about a half mile down the beach and we now have a favorite place to plop down. Frances naps or watches the pelicans, while I either read or work on my Coyote Story. We sit four or five feet from the waters edge. Yesterday Frances dozed with her back to the water. The tide was coming in. Over the course of an hour I watched it slowly creep towards her butt until it was only inches away. I smiled and wondered if it would catch her offguard but with moments to spare she noticed, stood up, and indicated to me that it was time to walk a little further down the beach!

I'm pleased to have settled in now with some focus regarding my writing project and am happy for some alone time. The past couple of weeks have presented a few situations that have always been challenging for me for as long as I can remember.

I have a distinct memory from kindergarten. The teacher wanted us to play a game of some sort. I thought the game was stupid and refused to participate. The rest of the class was thoroughly enjoying this dumb game. I was the only hold out. The teacher finally became frustrated with me and yanked my arm hard enough that it hurt, and forced me into the game (where I continued to be uncooperative because I still thought it was stupid.)

It has taken decades, but I have at least partially learned how to "play nice with others" and to allow others to enjoy what they enjoy and sometimes even cordially join in the reindeer games even if they're not my cup of tea. Because, I have also learned that it is more frequent than not, that I see and/or hear things differently than "most." And yet we humans are social creatures, so even though I often feel like Mr. Spock from Star Trek, trying to figure out what makes people do what they do, I have to make at least some efforts to play along if I don't want to be completely isolated. Over the decades this has entailedI fighting off feelings of being "the freak" when I become aware that my perceptions do not match anyone elses in the room. But I have also found that when I have held with my honest observations, that again, more often than not, they remain true, at least for me.

But there are scenarios I still struggle with. One is when other's insist, or expect me to have the same opinion. For instance, let's say you and I are at Marie Callendar's Restaurant and you order banana cream pie. I've never liked bananas. Ever. Therefore it stands to reason, that I don't like banana cream pie. However, I am perfectly happy with you thoroughly enjoying your banana cream pie. Until you insist that I like it too. Or think I'm crazy because I don't. Or try to twist my arm. Or become offended. Or take it personally. Or regale me ad nauseum with how wonderful the thing is that I don't like. Enjoy your pie please! And no I don't want a bite!

Then... sometimes that old "feeling like a freak" thing starts to sneak in. What's wrong with me? Why don't I like what other's like? Why don't I see, hear, taste or perceive things like everyone else in the room?

So I step back a bit, take a few deep breaths, and try not to put myself in those positions again for as long as it takes to regain perspective and confidence, until I recoup and regroup my thoughts.

I paint my scenario today with broad brush strokes of course. No one has tried to force me to eat banana cream pie haha. The last time I had a banana cream pie in my hand it's target was the face of a friend who was celebrating his 65th birthday. My birthday surprise for him was a pie in the face, which of course I got right back in my face within seconds... too funny!

So this week, Miss Frances, Mr. Coyote, the beach and my mandolin are going to get some extra attention while I fortify myself for a world that sometimes expects me to be someone I'm not. My retreat will just be for a couple of days... because I'm going out with the Kayak Group on Thursday, weather providing... hopefully there won't be too many strong opinions about kayaking. If there are, I'll just go back to kayaking alone. Because I truly love it! And don't really much care if anyone else does or not.

So I promise to keep trying new things and experiencing what others enjoy. But be forewarned, that while I want others to like what they like, and I'm trying to learn to be more tactful, my perceptions are often just different. I'll continue trying to harness my overly analytical and critical nature. But just know that If you ask me point blank what I think about something, I will probably tell you.

Teehee